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Submitted on
July 27, 2013


18 (who?)

Time for a bit of real talk.

Journal Entry: Sat Jul 27, 2013, 2:59 AM

I figure this is as good a time as any to let some of you know a tiny bit about me.

I believe in honesty. I believe in respect. I sincerely think that these two things are probably the most important to partake in and ponder over. Honesty and respect are what build good relationships, even better friendships, and more miscellaneous connections that are pretty mutually beneficial. To me, when someone shows thorough lack of respect or honesty when faced with it, things get a bit silly. Honesty and respect are rooted in communication, and without communication, we fall.

I like to think of myself as an honest and relatively respectful person. We all have flaws, and I'm not an exception to that.

I keep my friends close. I keep them very close, closer than my family. When one of my friends is having problems, I stop what I'm doing, I listen, and I offer my honest, yet respectful, opinions. I don't criticise them harshly, and I don't let outside people sway my judgment or feelings. When we become set on making somebody happy, and it's all we think about doing for a time, we don't normally rest until the job is done.

When people have issues or feelings or other opinions, I think it's very important to listen to them. I think it's possibly one of our greatest tasks as social, sentient animals capable of compassion. I also think that it's very important to be entirely honest. From experience, when communication fails, relations crumble.

When asked or given a legitimate opportunity to say what I think or feel, I will often take that chance... and I won't hold back.

Don't claim to love people that you clearly don't love. When you are not willing to devote as much as your life as possible to them, you probably do not love them. Love is a very intense, uncontrollable feeling that renders you void of logic. It's raw, combined emotion, full of admiration, pride, and obsession, among other things. It's difficult to notice. 

When you to fall for somebody, it's a lot like going for a peaceful walk through nature. It's calm and subtle. It's relaxing. Things are going as planned, with no surprises and no interruptions. It's just you and the wild.

On that walk, you stop to take a look at something; perhaps a flower, a tree, a rock, a gentle little stream. You notice its details. You begin to see beauty. You study things, and sometimes, while you study them, you become attached. It's something you can't live without. You need it. It becomes necessary in order to live a satisfactory life.

Realising that you've fallen for somebody is somewhat of a striking revelation. Do I honestly need this in my life? Why am I even questioning it? I don't think that I can live without it. It's beautiful and confusing. I'm intrigued. What am I feeling? Is this love?

Panic. I've always panicked. Loving people has always been terrifying for me. Attachment? What? No, I do things on my own... right? Nope. Not anymore. I can't. I need this. I want it. I'm scared.

It's a scary thing, getting attached to others after living what can only be described a horrid, torturous life. I've seen rape, neglect, abuse. My life has been threatened countless times, and I've stared death in the face just as much. Past filled with anger, jealousy, fear, pain and suffering, all at the hands of others. Why would I get attached to anybody after that? It defies logic. It defies logic, because it's emotion.

I can't feel and use logic at the same time. One always takes priority, quickly stepping on the other, mashing it into the ground. Opposites. Hot and cold. Pain and pleasure. Life and death. It's difficult to comprehend, love is, but it's worth it. Love is worth fighting for, and working for.

After recent confidence-building, inspiring, developments, I would like to take this opportunity to publicly "come out." I am a lesbian, and I am in love with a woman. She's amazing. Beautiful, intelligent, skilled, mature, reliable, trustworthy, strong, admirable. Perfect. I feel as much as anyone else. It's genuine. It's wonderful. It's me.

Don't be immature. I'm going to feel, whether you want me to or not. You may as well let me. You know who you are.

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nocturnaliss Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Like the previous poster, I just came to thank you for the llama... and then I saw your journal and read it. I find myself a lot in your words. I can relate to your fear of attachment, even though I've probably not suffered as much as you have (or, let's just say, differently). But I've come to the same conclusion: that without honesty and truth, no relationship whatsoever can stand tall and flourish. It's a naked truth - clear as crystal. But it is that necessity for honesty and truth that can be terrifying. The need to feel, to care, to love. The risks, the possibilities, the desire for it.

I've come to believe that love is a great deal more than an irrepressible urge, or an uncontrollable emotion - it is everything. It is fire and peace of heart - it's gratitude, hope, lust and passion. It's everything that makes the world go round, and takes on many names.

This said, I wish you a great deal of happiness with your lover. May she return that love as ardently, and may you both find love and peace in each other's arms.
Lillela Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
Came by to thank you for the llama badge and give one back. Thanks for everything! Saw this post, couldn' Made me all emotional and teary. Happy cry (Tears of joy) Beautifully written and so true. Made my heart happy to read you've found love. Heart I sincerely wish you and your partner the best. Heart Hug
laughingvulcan Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is not in verse, but is almost poetic.

I want to say more but my brain isn't letting anything out for the moment! 0_0;; )

That said...
Congrats on finding your lady love and also on coming out. I can only speak for myself, but I wish BOTH of you a strong, healthy relationship...and all the happiness life can give... :D
Dezenerate Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013
Songstress-Kyonie Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013
Hello, you don't know me (except you gave me a llama), but I read your journal entry in it's entirety. It was full of emotion, considerate, and sweet. And I congratulate you on "coming out." You don't have to know me personally, but if you need support, feel welcome to talk to me. I understand coming out can bring stress, hurt, and even unwanted attention. But follow your heart anyways.
Grimsever Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Following my heart is probably what I do best.

I'm really glad that there are such kind people around. I thought it was rare, but maybe I was mistaken.
Songstress-Kyonie Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013
If that is so, then you are all the stronger for it.
There are always people on both ends of the spectrum, kind and cruel, and everywhere in-between. It's easy to get caught in one point of that spectrum, but if you look, you'll find the other side. Or it will find you, as the case may be. Again, you're welcome to note me if you need to vent or anything. Take care. :>
samjo27 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013
Well done for having the strength to do this dear :) I truly am proud of you, it must take a lot to admit to especially on a domain like here, where unfortunately there can sometimes be a culture of abuse of things people don't understand.

I've always believed you to be a strong and wonderful woman and seeing this just proves it to me over again. Stay strong, and I'll try and talk to you soon if I get the chance!
Grimsever Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
NuMetalWolf Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
That is brilliant..
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